De-escalating conflicts: 5 things you can do
Just imagine:
You have been working with your team in harmony for years. But one morning, you turn up at work and a bombshell is waiting for you: Two members of your team (who have been dating each other for months) split up the evening before….
Not all conflicts come out of the blue. Some build up over a longer period, e.g. endless discussions among 3 working mums every year because all of them want to take their annual leave at the same time. Some conflicts even seem to be too silly to talk about and actually you don’t know how they have started:
“Why can’t we have the windows open all the time…”
“You always take the best parking slot!”
“You don’t like my dress – well, I’ll tell you what I think about yours….”
Escalating conflicts are dangerous. They are not just a pain in your neck. They poison the atmosphere at work, are creativity killers and affect important decisions. They irritate clients and can even ruin your business in the long term, if you don’t deal with them.
Conflicts are normal, because we are all different and see the world with different eyes. You can’t prevent your business from conflicts, but you can at least try to de-escalating conflicts as soon as they show their ugly faces:
5 things you can do
1. Don’t ignore conflicts, try to catch them early
Many small business owners make the mistake of belittling conflicts or of sweeping them under the carpet. The earlier you “catch” a conflict and de-escalate it, the better for your business. The time you need to do this is well invested. Don’t leave it entirely to the opponents to resolve it. You and your business will suffer most if they keep on going and don’t find a solution. It is one your tasks to deal with conflicts when you work with a team.
2. Listen, don’t go for a “quick fix”
First get the whole picture before you decide what to do, even if it costs more of the precious time you actually want to invest in more constructive work. Talk to all conflicting parties and learn their view – uninterrupted and complete. Take into account that each party wants to win you over.
3. Concentrate on core issues, not on background stories or people
Get all opponents to make a list of the relevant issues and compare them from the different viewpoints of each party. Often, opponents get entangled in different perceptions on how the conflict started and tell you detailed stories about how the other party’s behaviour escalated the situation. The more escalated a conflict becomes, the more people and their behaviour in general and not specific problems are discussed.
4. Let the parties work on solutions, don’t try to “fix” it all by yourself
Don’t get tempted to suggest solutions too early in order to save time. Speak on behalf of your business (and your clients!). Clearly state what it needs in order to run smoothly and what you expect from the conflicting parties. Also make it clear that you will decide if they don’t come up with a solution.
5. Deal with loss of empathy and emotions, but don’t let them take over
Emotions are a normal part of each conflict. It is a natural reaction to “let off steam”. You need to deal with them. Some people are a “cold fish” when it comes to conflicts, others show the whole repertoire of emotions, including tears and shouting. This can be very difficult because in many cultures, showing emotions is perceived as a weakness and “taboo”. People don’t learn how to handle emotions well.
The more escalated a conflict becomes, the less the parties are also able to show empathy for each other. You need to set clear guidelines around that: Showing and articulating emotions is important and normal (like crying and telling the other party how hurt you are). No-go’s are, for example, shouting, swearwords, all kinds of obscene gestures or even physical violence.
Bear in mind: once you are directly involved in a conflict, your objectivity will fly out of the window and the other conflicting parties perhaps will not trust in a fair handling of the situation without any impartial external help.