Why Feedback makes us cringe

Why Feedback makes us cringe

Last week, a colleague sent me an invitation for an event, with a topic that made me cringe: “Learning to love feedback” / “Why I want you to criticize me. “ All about “Lowering your self-defence, looking forward to criticism, even if it hurts….”

I was surprised by my aversion to this. Hey, I am an expert on feedback. In my courses and coaching sessions, I have trained hundreds of leaders and teams on it. A solid feedback culture is one of the first things I tried to establish, when I was called in as a mediator to solve workplace conflicts.

…and it still makes me cringe secretly,

…if I have problems with feedback myself, how can I convince my clients to overcome their reservations? After all, there is no alternative to feedback. We all have blind spots. Others notice things about us we simply don’t see. If I truly want to learn more about it, I have to embrace the idea of feedback and criticism…

…and it still makes me cringe.

Some reasons:

Many have never learnt to give and receive feedback appropriately – or, having a bad day, just can’t be bothered to stick to the rules. They don’t respect boundaries.

Some people hoard criticism like a pressure cooker, until they finally burst, venting it all on me.

Feedback and criticism are also connected with power. People can use it to push through their hidden agendas or to manipulate others.

Why do you find feedback difficult? I am sure, we could write a very long list.

…And still, there is no alternative, if I want to learn and grow.

What a good opportunity to beat myself up, to feel guilty. I shouldn’t try to avoid it, should lower my defense. I should see feedback as a gift, should be more open, more willing to give and to receive it. So many “shoulds” – and it still makes me cringe….

…And here comes my light bulb moment:

Feedback makes us cringe,
because it constantly wakes up our “inner Chimp”.

Who is the “Chimp”?

The Chimp is the emotional part of your brain, ancient, irrational, impulsive, fact ignoring, living by the law of the jungle, programmed to focus on your survival.

The Chimp is one of the two “personalities” in your head, described in detail by Steve Peters in his book “The Chimp Paradox”. The book explains, how the different parts of our brain work together and where the struggle, we often experience within our mind, originates. It offers a helpful metaphor for all areas of life and challenges we face. In this case, it helped me to make the link between the Chimp and feedback.

You / the Human is the second “personality”. You, the Human, make your decisions based on logic, ethics, morals. You love purpose and achievements, abide to the law. You are able to control yourself.

Depending on who of the two is in control, this personality will dominate your decision making and this is what you show the outside world.

You are responsible for your Chimp. However, according to Peters, because the Chimp is 5 times stronger than you, you can’t control it, you just can nurture and “manage” it.

“The Chimp is an emotional machine that will hijack you, if you allow it to. It is not good or bad: it is a Chimp. It can be your best friend your worst enemy. This is the Chimp Paradox.” Steve Peters, The Chimp Paradox, p 42

Why my Chimp doesn’t like feedback

The “Chimp Paradox” helps to understand, why feedback makes us cringe:

For my Chimp, feedback, and in particular criticism first of all means: DANGER. Perhaps it recalls bad experiences in connection with feedback. It becomes over-excited, fearful or angry. It prepares for defense/fight or flight, because it assumes, that this could be dangerous for my “survival”. My Human knows, that feedback is useful, that there is no alternative, if I want to learn. The chimp however is totally unimpressed by these facts.

This made me realise, that

the conscious decision to lower our self-defense
is a strategy for our Human, they don’t convince the Chimp at all.

I don’t lower my self-defense so easily, because these ancient jungle programmes are so much stronger than my Human and deeply wired into my brain.

This also means that I don’t need to feel guilty and beat up myself. My Chimp just wants to protect me and I need to find ways to make it feel safer.

How about your Chimp? Also “out of the box”, when it comes to feedback? Do you recall any examples?

How can we “manage” our chimp?

First nurture, then manage

Peters suggests that we should in general first nurture our Chimp, before we try to “manage” it, because it loves praise and recognition. It is easier to manage a calmer and happier Chimp.

For example don’t push negative feelings away or beat yourself up. Your Chimp just wants to protect you after all. Acknowledge this and praise it.

There are 3 main strategies to managing our Chimp:

Exercising

Exercising means letting it off the lead in a (more or less) controlled way. Allowing our chimp to express emotions will calm it down, it will be able to listen to reason or just go to sleep.

For example, we shouldn’t suppress our concerns and emotions around feedback, and articulate them.

Boxing

If the chimp as exercised enough and is able to listen to information, we can address it’s fears and concerns by speaking to it. Using facts, truth and logic, we can continue to calm the Chimp down and reason with it. Peters calls this reasoning by the Human “Boxing the Chimp”.

For example you could talk to your chimp about the advantages of getting feedback and how feedback helped you to learn and grow in the past.

Bananas

We can offer rewards or simply distract the chimp.

For example we can create habits around giving and receiving feedback, like questions we could always ask at the end of the day or when a project is finished: “How am I doing / how are we doing today? What could we have done better?” The idea is to do it automatically and not to think too much about it. Our chimp gets used to it and probably goes back to sleep.

However, Peters shows that this is less effective than boxing the Chimp. Rewards and distractions often only work  in the short term. They don’t tackle the cause of the problem.

What you could do to make your chimp feel safer – some ideas

1. Be aware that everybody has a chimp and managing it every day is a challenge. If somebody reacts inappropriately on your feedback, you know that their chimp has taken over. So, no need for your chimp to be getting too upset.
2. Find a safe place to practice feedback. Don’t ask just anyone for feedback. Ask people who generally like and support you, when it comes to sensitive topics.

… and read the book “The Chimp Paradox” by Steve Peters, it offers so much more.

What are your ideas, how can you create more safety for your Chimp in order to make feedback less cringeworthy? Please share and leave a comment.

Tip: Ask your Chimp!

Image Credits: D27307833/roblan/www.dreamstime.com

© Lead & Connect, Jutta Nedden, 05/2015