Often, we can’t see the wood for the trees
Most people bring a lot of good will to virtual meetings in challenging times, and yet, tension can build up quite quickly. The lack of direct contact can lead to misunderstandings and out-of-sync communication. Our ability to empathise with others decreases with increased stress, fatigue and brain fog. Being unable to meet in person for a long time can be challenging – not to mention technical glitches, different time zones and involuntarily home schooling work colleagues. Also, some colleagues behave with far less restraint in a virtual environment than in the physical world, for example:
- a manager cuts off and mutes others abruptly on a regular basis to speed up meetings and to manipulate decision making,
- going online has changed power-dynamics: some colleagues don’t contribute as usual, feel out of their depth. Others show a passive-aggressive behaviour with sarcastic comments or confront others with fait-accomplis,
- people feel “ignored” and “excluded”, complain about a “cold” atmosphere.
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There are practical things you can do to reduce tension and increase clarity:
- Better have more and shorter calls, with breaks in between, than one “marathon” meeting. Video chats require even more concentration and discipline than face to face meetings.
- Accountability is more crucial than ever: clarity of roles and responsibilities is one major factor that helps avoid and settle (not only virtual) tension and clashes. Assigned point persons being responsible for individual problems should drive topics, summarise arguments, keep track of discussions and prepare upcoming meetings.
- Introduce “Agreements” for virtual meetings/calls, also called “Ground Rules” or “Rules of the Game”, like “come prepared”, “listen and hear others out”, “mute yourself when others talk”, “keep it short and simple”, etc. There are a lot of great, downloadable lists you can find online and adapt for your purposes. You can present a prepared list, let your team add more and vote for 3-5 agreements/rules you all want to work with.
- Repeat important information more often. Don’t rely too much on recordings of calls. Recordings can be great if people can’t make it to a meeting, but listening requires a lot of additional time. We have a very limited number of “chunks” of information we can take in and recall at a time in general, even more in virtual meetings, when we are tired, stressed, busy with checking the chat window and distracted by background noise. People are not ignorant and forgetful on purpose. They are just overwhelmed and flooded with information.
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…and a reminder that we are all social beings and depend on each other. We have a choice. Even with small steps, we can make each other’s life easier and increase commitment and social connection:
- Be realistic, in particular if there were tensions before having virtual meetings. As dynamics change when going virtual, online meetings can help with tension – or could escalate things even more. Unhelpful behaviour and unskilful communication don’t disappear overnight. Already existing misunderstandings and clashes between individuals don’t fade away automatically.
- First check in with people and their situation before working on targets and addressing content. This increases mutual understanding. One sentence is great, like “how are you doing” or “how is your family”. Only ask if you are really interested and wait for answers. People sense it immediately, if this is just an impatient “starter” to tick a box. It depends on mutual trust what is shared. Model the behaviour you want to get and start yourself with a short update on your situation. However, don’t lean towards the other extreme and let this go on forever. Rather have separate, longer calls for social updates, “how-are-you-doing” chats or “community hugs”.
- Try to find times for calls most convenient for everyone, even if you can’t meet all requests. Perhaps you have people living in different time zones. Not everybody has a quiet room for calls in times of lockdown and involuntarily home schooling, with families being packed together in small flats. Mutual support and patience go a long way. Have several calls or change times, so that depending on time zones not always the same people have very late or very early calls.
- Avoid irony and even good jokes, if tension has already built before or people are tired and frustrated. Needless to say that you should also stay clear of sarcastic comments. You can’t be sure how it lands with people on calls / virtual meetings if they can’t see your face and/or you can’t see how they react. When we are tired, angry, frustrated or anxious, our lower brain functions responsible for fight, flight and freeze overrule our reasoning brain. We simply don’t “get” even good natured jokes. This can lead to clashes and misunderstandings.
- Give yourself and others the benefit of doubt. It is very challenging to keep up the same level of productivity we had before. A pinch of generosity, kindness, hope and creativity often helps more when facing chaos, then beating up yourself and others.
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What are your strategies to reduce tension in virtual meetings?
Please share your thoughts and tips here:
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© Jutta Nedden, Lead and Connect Ltd. 05/2020