Often, we can’t see the wood for the trees

Most people bring a lot of good will to virtual meetings in challenging times, and yet, tension can build up quite quickly. The lack of direct contact can lead to misunderstandings and out-of-sync communication. Our ability to empathise with others decreases with increased stress, fatigue and brain fog. Being unable to meet in person for a long time can be challenging – not to mention technical glitches, different time zones and involuntarily home schooling work colleagues. Also, some colleagues behave with far less restraint in a virtual environment than in the physical world, for example:

• a manager cuts off and mutes others abruptly on a regular basis to speed up meetings and to manipulate decision making,
• going online has changed power-dynamics: some colleagues don’t contribute as usual, feel out of their depth. Others show a passive-aggressive behaviour with sarcastic comments or confront others with fait-accomplis,
• people feel “ignored” and “excluded”, complain about a “cold” atmosphere.

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There are practical things you can do to reduce tension and increase clarity:

1. Better have more and shorter calls, with breaks in between, than one “marathon” meeting. Video chats require even more concentration and discipline than face to face meetings.
   
2. Accountability is more crucial than ever: clarity of roles and responsibilities is one major factor that helps avoid and settle (not only virtual) tension and clashes. Assigned point persons being responsible for individual problems should drive topics, summarise arguments, keep track of discussions and prepare upcoming meetings.
   
3. Introduce “Agreements” for virtual meetings/calls, also called “Ground Rules” or “Rules of the Game”, like “come prepared”, “listen and hear others out”, “mute yourself when others talk”, “keep it short and simple”, etc. There are a lot of great, downloadable lists you can find online and adapt for your purposes. You can present a prepared list, let your team add more and vote for 3-5 agreements/rules you all want to work with.
   
4. Repeat important information more often. Don’t rely too much on recordings of calls. Recordings can be great if people can’t make it to a meeting, but listening requires a lot of additional time. We have a very limited number of “chunks” of information we can take in and recall at a time in general, even more in virtual meetings, when we are tired, stressed, busy with checking the chat window and distracted by background noise. People are not ignorant and forgetful on purpose. They are just overwhelmed and flooded with information.

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…and a reminder that we are all social beings and depend on each other. We have a choice. Even with small steps, we can make each other’s life easier and increase commitment and social connection:

5. Be realistic, in particular if there were tensions before having virtual meetings. As dynamics change when going virtual, online meetings can help with tension – or could escalate things even more. Unhelpful behaviour and unskilful communication don’t disappear overnight. Already existing misunderstandings and clashes between individuals don’t fade away automatically.
   
6. First check in with people and their situation before working on targets and addressing content. This increases mutual understanding. One sentence is great, like “how are you doing” or “how is your family”. Only ask if you are really interested and wait for answers. People sense it immediately, if this is just an impatient “starter” to tick a box. It depends on mutual trust what is shared. Model the behaviour you want to get and start yourself with a short update on your situation. However, don’t lean towards the other extreme and let this go on forever. Rather have separate, longer calls for social updates, “how-are-you-doing” chats or “community hugs”.
   
7. Try to find times for calls most convenient for everyone, even if you can’t meet all requests. Perhaps you have people living in different time zones. Not everybody has a quiet room for calls in times of lockdown and involuntarily home schooling, with families being packed together in small flats. Mutual support and patience go a long way. Have several calls or change times, so that depending on time zones not always the same people have very late or very early calls.
   
8. Avoid irony and even good jokes, if tension has already built before or people are tired and frustrated. Needless to say that you should also stay clear of sarcastic comments. You can’t be sure how it lands with people on calls / virtual meetings if they can’t see your face and/or you can’t see how they react. When we are tired, angry, frustrated or anxious, our lower brain functions responsible for fight, flight and freeze overrule our reasoning brain. We simply don’t “get” even good natured jokes. This can lead to clashes and misunderstandings.
   
9. Give yourself and others the benefit of doubt. It is very challenging to keep up the same level of productivity we had before. A pinch of generosity, kindness, hope and creativity often helps more when facing chaos, then beating up yourself and others.
   

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What are your strategies to reduce tension in virtual meetings?

Please share your thoughts and tips here:

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Text and Image:
© Jutta Nedden, Lead and Connect Ltd. 05/2020

What do we do?

Defending our false narrative, discrediting our opponent? Questioning their integrity and motivations? Manipulating facts and statistics? Really?

What creeps up on us when we realize that we are wrong? It is a sobering experience, indeed – with feelings of frustration, defensiveness and fear. With the temptation to continue with “fighting” just for the sake of it.

Being wrong is a great opportunity

Why do we want to win? Usually it is because we don’t want to show our vulnerability or don’t want to accept the truth.

How does this affect the relationship with the other person – now and in the future?

Right and wrong – winning and losing are a matter of opinion, or a product of hindsight. Is it about our personal beliefs or about the outcome we want to have in a situation? If we defend our beliefs, does it really create a good result?

What if we had the courage to

• admit that we are wrong?
• tell the other person why we are so emotional and passionate?
• ask how they feel about it and what they want?
• explain what we want or need in this situation,
• focus on meaningful connection and long term relationships instead on winning and losing?

How much time, energy and resources would this save: (re)-connecting with our heart – our feelings and needs – and connecting with the other person.

This is usually the moment when the following question pops up:

What should I do if someone insults me
even after I’ve admitted that I was wrong?

Ouch, this really hurts. You’ve tried so hard. You have admitted your mistake and your opponent lashes out again. Isn’t this a clear signal that showing your vulnerability doesn’t work and makes you an easy target? The problem is that most of us are not used to people admitting their mistakes, we are all trained to play the win-lose game. This is probably the hardest part of being courageous: you don’t have any guarantee, that your opponent “gets it” straight away and showers you with praise, compassion and empathy.

So, what could you do?

Showing your vulnerability is a choice and an attitude. If you are patient, you will experience how it cracks open hearts and connects people.

Stick to it, be patient, repeat your apology, acknowledge your opponent’s frustration or anger, ask again what they need in order to find a solution that works for both of you.

It is never easy to expose yourself, but it is worth it. It increases your confidence, and it is deliberating to get rid of masks. It is an invitation for others to do the same.

Showing up with your true self has the potential to heal broken relationships.

Today I want to

• have the courage to show my vulnerability and admit mistakes
• remind myself that long term relationships are too precious to be jeopardized by a win-lose attitude or outwitting somebody with foul tactics.

Questions

1. If you would connect with your heart – your feelings and your needs – and if you were more courageous today, which conversation would you have?
2. Look at the image, how could it inspire and encourage you?

Please share your thoughts and ideas.

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Project “Art Meets Business”

© Image: Karin Wurst via “Forum Art”, School of Arts & Ceramics (Kunstschule Kunst und Keramik) in Weinstadt, Germany.

60 quotes illustrated by professional artists, aiming to bridge the gap between the world of business and art. The project was initiated together with Christiane Wegner-Klafszky, founder and managing director of „School of Arts & Ceramics“ (Kunstschule Kunst und Keramik) in Weinstadt, Germany. If you would like to find out more about the project and already published quotes, visit the page Inspiration or click here to meet all artists.

© Text: Jutta Nedden, Lead & Connect, 05/2019

Dear Jutta,

I am a project manager and very passionate about my work. The director of our division has asked me to join him for a difficult meeting with clients – a great opportunity to raise my profile. I know that my expertise and knowledge can really make a difference, and yet I am rather anxious about it.

I am an introvert and not great in meetings. My mind went blank several times in the past when I had a difficult conversation. Even though I am usually well prepared, I don’t always have good answers on questions. Relaxation techniques and mindfulness help a lot, and still I am anxious about going blank again. I have nightmares about questions I can’t answer. Probably I even miss some important information, because I constantly worry about what I could say once they’ve finished talking.

I wonder if you could give me a tip on how to avoid going blank – or at least some advice on how to memorise facts better so that I won’t forget them in meetings?

Catriona
(Project Manager)

Dear Catriona,

What a great opportunity indeed, supporting your director and making a difference with your expertise. I can sense your passion and also how much you are worrying about the upcoming meeting.

Two helpful strategies when you go blank

1. Distract your brain. Don’t try desperately to find an answer. Concentrate on other things or the people around you: the sound of the traffic outside, the colours of a bag on the table, the smell of coffee, the touch of the pen you are holding in your hand. You can even pinch yourself. This helps your brain stop with “over-analysing”.

2. Tell them, own it. This happens all the time, to extroverts and introverts. How can you find the courage to own it? What could help? Who could support you?

Don’t hide. When you fall, get up again,
dust yourself off and crack on.

You can check Chris MacLeod’s excellent website Succeedsocially.com and find more useful techniques and strategies for going blank.

…and yet, that’s just a part of the solution

I also want to encourage you to explore the underlying cause of going blank. The actual question is: Why is it so important to have answers on all the questions?

You mentioned that you want to raise your profile and you are talking quite negatively about being an introvert. Do you think that this is a flaw that needs to be concealed? Actually, the very fact that you come so well prepared reveals that you are probably an introvert. Cliché extroverts tend to improvise on the go and are often less prepared than introverts. So, if you want to “hide”, there might be better strategies…  But I don’t want you to hide.

Get out there and have conversations
in your own, authentic way.
You don’t need to become an extrovert
in order to raise your profile and be successful.

There is a reason why your director has asked you to be on the meeting. You have mentioned your expertise. Perhaps your director knows that you are a good listener and observer? That you are the one who focuses on targets, being able to lead a chatty meeting back on track?

Could you ask him?

Discover and own your talents

Being an “introvert” is just a “box”, a label. I know many introverts and they are all different. We are all one of a kind, and we are all needed with our talents. What are your unique talents – extroverts talk about “super powers”?

Who could you ask? Your manager? Colleagues ? A good friend? Your partner ?

Could you talk to your director before the meeting? Show him that you can be a manager AND a team player: that you can think strategically, focussing on results AND supporting him with focus on relationships. Ask him about your role at the meeting, his strategy, his challenges and how you can support him best. After a good conversation with him in advance it is less likely that you will go blank during your meeting.

Don’t forget: The world needs you and your talents.
Don’t hide, just because the road gets bumpy.

If you like books you could also read

“Quiet – The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking”, by Susan Cain.

All the best,

Jutta

Hi you, thanks for reading this. Please share your thoughts.

Does your mind ever go blank in difficult conversations?
What do you do? Any tips  you want to share? Please leave a comment here.

© Text: Jutta Nedden, Lead & Connect, 10/2017

Image credits:

1. Pinterest:
http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/17072-going-blank-again/

2. dreamstime.com (Tortoise hiding)

Today, I am sharing a secret skill with you many don’t think of. Well, actually it is not a real “secret”. Often, we are just too busy with ourselves and not clear-headed enough to make use of it as the following case study shows:

Case study

I was leading a workshop with bank managers, their CEO expecting feedback on the general atmosphere and current situation. There was such a lack of trust and the atmosphere was so bad that the CEO agreed in advance to getting anonymous feedback. The managers could express their opinion by putting stickers on a graph with various questions.

Later, the CEO visited the group and looked at the graph: Most stickers accumulated in negative areas. He was upset. Despite our former agreement of respecting anonymity, he started to point on stickers, asking for names: “Who’s put the sticker there…” – deathly silence in the room. He kept going with asking, building up pressure. Fairness is one of my highest values…and integrity, fighting for justice, Mother Theresa, you get the idea. I reminded him of the agreement we had and of his promise not to ask for names.

He was not amused at all, left the room. I got kicked out of the project and lost the client. You don’t tell off a CEO in front of his managers.

If you like, you can stop reading now for a moment:

• What would you have done in this situation if you were me?
• What should I have done differently?

What I learnt as a result of this hard lesson

There would have been a far better outcome for everybody, if I had allowed myself to take a breath, have a little pause for thinking and a less impulsive reaction. I didn’t connect at all with the CEO’s needs and feelings. He expected a better outcome and was so shocked about the result. I could have helped him to articulate his frustration. I also took over responsibility for his managers and probably underestimated their ability to resist the pressure he built up. Instead I activated his self-defence by correcting him in front of his managers. A precious opportunity was lost: rebuilding trust and a meaningful dialogue between CEO and managers about what was going on in their organisation and what they could do about it together. Just because I wasn’t able to “zip it” and think…

This lesson taught me far more than just to pause more often. Anyway: today, pauses / little “thinking breaks” are one of my most favourite strategies in conversations. You don’t need to attend courses to learn it, you just need to practice.

“Zip it” more often in conversations and think:
a little pause for better results and relationships.

Try it yourself

1. How could you experiment and “play” with little “zip its”?
2. Can you think of workplace conversations where you should allow yourself more “thinking breaks” in order to get a better outcome / to connect better with the needs of others?
3. “Thinking breaks” are just one way of using a little gap or pause in a conversation. What else could you use them for?
4. What stops you from pausing? What can you do about it? Sometimes you need to be brave for pausing.

Please leave a comment here and share your thoughts

What are your experiences with pausing in difficult conversations?

Image: Created with tagxedo.com

© Jutta Nedden, Lead & Connect, 11/2016

The cake test is a quick and easy way to save time and energy and stop procrastination, when you do your weekly planning.

I love writing todo-lists in order to prepare for the coming week. Getting my list ready on Sunday evening gives me a good feeling that I will be able to face the week from a strong starting point. I won’t get “swept away”, and will keep my focus, no matter what kind of “surprises” land on my desk on Monday.

However, in the past, even todo-lists didn’t help very much with stopping procrastination and time saving. To begin with, I couldn’t figure out, what it was. Something was wrong with the way I listed all the tasks: My list wasn’t helpful at all. Instead it acted as a motivation killer and often led to excessive procrastination.

Then, studying several lists from the past, I discovered the reason:

I had mixed up projects and actions

Why is this a problem?

A “project” is always a series of actions, for example if you want to hire a VA: “Hiring a VA” is the overall project and you can split this into several actions, e.g. making a list of all the tasks your future VA should take over, writing a job description, inviting applicants for interviews etc.

…and this is, where the cake comes in. Just imagine:

a project is like a whole cake,
and actions are like single slices of a cake.

Even if you like cake very much, you wouldn’t eat the whole cake in one go, would you? It’s the same with your todo-lists:

If you have a lot of projects on your list, like “hiring a VA”, or “changing gas and electricity supplier” or even just a name, like “Richard!” – for calling your web-developer, discussing a list of 20 problems regarding your website, etc. – you don’t even want to get started. They are all far too “big” and impossible to digest in one go. They are like whole cakes, you get an upset “stomach” if you attempt to “eat” them in one go. So better avoid them and procrastinate over them…

The advantages of single actions / slices of cake

1. If you split all the projects into actions, each action is like a single piece of cake. Most likely you will enjoy eating it, and after the first one perhaps even find room for a second and third. There is less time and “need” for procrastination, because the process is more rewarding and less draining in itself, than trying to get your mouth round a whole project at once.
2. You can’t cross out a whole project so easily. Some seem to be “sitting” on your list forever. crossing out actions on your list gives you far more satisfaction.
3. You can manage just a certain number of slices per day, as can each member of your team. It’s easier to estimate the time you need for one single action than for a whole project. More accurate timing makes your planning more realistic. – and you don’t need to feel guilty. After all, it’s just not sensible to eat too much cake.
4. Sometimes, we don’t like the cake put in front of us – we always have big chunks of tasks or projects we are not so keen on. For me, it’s cheese cake. However, it is not so hard to eat just one little slice every day. – Or why not give the whole cake or at least some slices to somebody else who really likes it? A member of your team? A contractor or freelancer?
5. If you are able to set up your own projects and decide their volume, why not set up more smaller projects and not one big project. – “Bake” smaller cakes!

Take the cake test

Check your todo-lists for whole cakes (projects) and slices of cake (actions):

1. Try to cut the cakes into slices.
2. Estimate the time needed to finish off one slice.
3. How many slices can you finish off in one day? Is your todo-list realistic?
4. How could you involve your team? What about their todo-lists?
5. Could you pass on at least some slices of cake to somebody else who would be more than happy to polish them off?

Any more ideas how to use this metaphor to increase your fun and stop procrastination?

Please share them here and leave a comment – on your marks, get set – BAKE!!!

Image credits:

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/564287028290209760/ (unitedstatessun.com, Hawaiian carrot cake with coconut icing)

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/564287028290209836/ (crazyforcrust.com Lemon Meringue Pie Fudge)

© Lead & Connect, Jutta Nedden 11/2015

Do you feel uncomfortable with the idea of “leading” others in general,  often questioning yourself if you are “good enough”? You are in good company: I noticed, that this is the case for many of my clients, when they become a new teamleader. Or perhaps you tend towards the other extreme, being overly confident, that you either do an amazing job or don’t need the leadership stuff at all?

Am I good enough?

Perhaps you like this:

Once upon a time, there was a queen ruling a faraway kingdom. Due to her wisdom, her country prospered and her people were free, happy and healthy. She was so famous and popular, that many came to learn from her.
One day, a girl visited the queen. She turned out to be the daughter of a cruel king ruling a neighbouring kingdom, treating his people badly, inventing more and more taxes to finance his luxury life style. The young princess however had a good heart and hated to see her people suffering. It was no secret, that the old king was very ill and everybody expected him to die soon.

The princess was scared at the prospect of ruling a run-down country with people hating her, but she was also eager to show that she could be a better queen. She just didn’t know how, and was full of self-doubt. She hoped to get some advice from the queen and asked her: “What is the secret of your wisdom and the wealth of your country? For the sake of my people, please share it with me.”

The queen was surprised, but willing to help. She gave her two little pouches. One contained a gold nugget, the other was filled with black dust. She said: “Put the pouch with the gold in the left pocket of your coat, the dust in the right.

When you feel lonely and discouraged, and wonder: Am I good enough? –

touch the gold and remember:

“The whole universe was created for you”.

You have so many talents. You can comfort and help your people. You don’t need to wait until you are “good enough”, you are just alright as you are.

When you feel high and mighty, touch the dust in the right pocket and remember:

“I am but dust and dirt”.

Be humble and realize how limited you are with the mistakes you make every day, and how perishable your life is.
Your people will expect a lot of you. People tend to idealize their rulers and want to have heroes. Show them that you are able to be a good queen, but also let them see your limitations and admit your weaknesses. Sooner or later they will love you for what you are.”

“That’s it? “Asked the princess surprised. “Do you really think that I can turn this round?” The queen smiled. “Well, that’s the foundation and a great start. The rest is lifelong learning, hard work, love for your people and country, and the passion to serve.”

When the old king died, the princess took over and ruled her kingdom for many years. The country flourished under her reign and her people loved her. She never forgot the queen’s advice and became good friends with her.

They all lived happily ever after.

Story: Jutta Nedden, after a Hadisic saying
which goes back to Rabbi Simcha Bunim Bonhart (1765–1827)

How about you?

Are you more on the “dust-side” or on the “gold-side”, when it comes to your abilities of leading a team? Nagging self-doubt – Am I good enough – or overly confidence?

How about integrating both extremes:

“We have to reconcile within ourselves this profound two-sidedness of human nature. Holding it, in all its complexity, as the old Hadisic tale from the Jewish tradition says:

‘Everybody ought to have a coat with two pockets. In one pocket is gold to remind us, that we are infinitely valuable – and in the other pocket is dirt or dust, to remind us that we are simply of the earth, just that humble.’

[We need leaders being] able to take a journey, that holds this two-sidedness together, that models for us what it means to live divided no more.”

Parker J. Palmer – An Undivided Life

What would it mean to you, your team and your business if you were leading with “dust and gold”?

Perhaps you already lead with dust and gold?

Please leave a comment.

Image credits: dreamstime.com, Jutta Nedden

© Lead & Connect, Jutta Nedden, 10/2015

Last week, a colleague sent me an invitation for an event, with a topic that made me cringe: “Learning to love feedback” / “Why I want you to criticize me. “ All about “Lowering your self-defence, looking forward to criticism, even if it hurts….”

I was surprised by my aversion to this. Hey, I am an expert on feedback. In my courses and coaching sessions, I have trained hundreds of leaders and teams on it. A solid feedback culture is one of the first things I tried to establish, when I was called in as a mediator to solve workplace conflicts.

…and it still makes me cringe secretly,

…if I have problems with feedback myself, how can I convince my clients to overcome their reservations? After all, there is no alternative to feedback. We all have blind spots. Others notice things about us we simply don’t see. If I truly want to learn more about it, I have to embrace the idea of feedback and criticism…

…and it still makes me cringe.

Some reasons:

Many have never learnt to give and receive feedback appropriately – or, having a bad day, just can’t be bothered to stick to the rules. They don’t respect boundaries.

Some people hoard criticism like a pressure cooker, until they finally burst, venting it all on me.

Feedback and criticism are also connected with power. People can use it to push through their hidden agendas or to manipulate others.

Why do you find feedback difficult? I am sure, we could write a very long list.

…And still, there is no alternative, if I want to learn and grow.

What a good opportunity to beat myself up, to feel guilty. I shouldn’t try to avoid it, should lower my defense. I should see feedback as a gift, should be more open, more willing to give and to receive it. So many “shoulds” – and it still makes me cringe….

…And here comes my light bulb moment:

Feedback makes us cringe,
because it constantly wakes up our “inner Chimp”.

Who is the “Chimp”?

The Chimp is the emotional part of your brain, ancient, irrational, impulsive, fact ignoring, living by the law of the jungle, programmed to focus on your survival.

The Chimp is one of the two “personalities” in your head, described in detail by Steve Peters in his book “The Chimp Paradox”. The book explains, how the different parts of our brain work together and where the struggle, we often experience within our mind, originates. It offers a helpful metaphor for all areas of life and challenges we face. In this case, it helped me to make the link between the Chimp and feedback.

You / the Human is the second “personality”. You, the Human, make your decisions based on logic, ethics, morals. You love purpose and achievements, abide to the law. You are able to control yourself.

Depending on who of the two is in control, this personality will dominate your decision making and this is what you show the outside world.

You are responsible for your Chimp. However, according to Peters, because the Chimp is 5 times stronger than you, you can’t control it, you just can nurture and “manage” it.

“The Chimp is an emotional machine that will hijack you, if you allow it to. It is not good or bad: it is a Chimp. It can be your best friend your worst enemy. This is the Chimp Paradox.” Steve Peters, The Chimp Paradox, p 42

Why my Chimp doesn’t like feedback

The “Chimp Paradox” helps to understand, why feedback makes us cringe:

For my Chimp, feedback, and in particular criticism first of all means: DANGER. Perhaps it recalls bad experiences in connection with feedback. It becomes over-excited, fearful or angry. It prepares for defense/fight or flight, because it assumes, that this could be dangerous for my “survival”. My Human knows, that feedback is useful, that there is no alternative, if I want to learn. The chimp however is totally unimpressed by these facts.

This made me realise, that

the conscious decision to lower our self-defense
is a strategy for our Human, they don’t convince the Chimp at all.

I don’t lower my self-defense so easily, because these ancient jungle programmes are so much stronger than my Human and deeply wired into my brain.

This also means that I don’t need to feel guilty and beat up myself. My Chimp just wants to protect me and I need to find ways to make it feel safer.

How about your Chimp? Also “out of the box”, when it comes to feedback? Do you recall any examples?

How can we “manage” our chimp?

First nurture, then manage

Peters suggests that we should in general first nurture our Chimp, before we try to “manage” it, because it loves praise and recognition. It is easier to manage a calmer and happier Chimp.

For example don’t push negative feelings away or beat yourself up. Your Chimp just wants to protect you after all. Acknowledge this and praise it.

There are 3 main strategies to managing our Chimp:

Exercising

Exercising means letting it off the lead in a (more or less) controlled way. Allowing our chimp to express emotions will calm it down, it will be able to listen to reason or just go to sleep.

For example, we shouldn’t suppress our concerns and emotions around feedback, and articulate them.

Boxing

If the chimp as exercised enough and is able to listen to information, we can address it’s fears and concerns by speaking to it. Using facts, truth and logic, we can continue to calm the Chimp down and reason with it. Peters calls this reasoning by the Human “Boxing the Chimp”.

For example you could talk to your chimp about the advantages of getting feedback and how feedback helped you to learn and grow in the past.

Bananas

We can offer rewards or simply distract the chimp.

For example we can create habits around giving and receiving feedback, like questions we could always ask at the end of the day or when a project is finished: “How am I doing / how are we doing today? What could we have done better?” The idea is to do it automatically and not to think too much about it. Our chimp gets used to it and probably goes back to sleep.

However, Peters shows that this is less effective than boxing the Chimp. Rewards and distractions often only work  in the short term. They don’t tackle the cause of the problem.

What you could do to make your chimp feel safer – some ideas

1. Be aware that everybody has a chimp and managing it every day is a challenge. If somebody reacts inappropriately on your feedback, you know that their chimp has taken over. So, no need for your chimp to be getting too upset.
2. Find a safe place to practice feedback. Don’t ask just anyone for feedback. Ask people who generally like and support you, when it comes to sensitive topics.

… and read the book “The Chimp Paradox” by Steve Peters, it offers so much more.

What are your ideas, how can you create more safety for your Chimp in order to make feedback less cringeworthy? Please share and leave a comment.

Tip: Ask your Chimp!

Image Credits: D27307833/roblan/www.dreamstime.com

© Lead & Connect, Jutta Nedden, 05/2015

Have you ever realized: daily planning is like loading your car boot for a holiday trip. Why?

1. Everybody wants to stuff as much as possible into the car and there never seems to be enough space for everything.

It’s the same with planning: I try to squeeze as much as possible into my day and often over estimate, how much I can do in the given time.

2. The big chunks should go in first.

For example suitcases. You can’t load them later, because it’s quite likely that they wouldn’t fit in with all the odds and sods. When you plan your day, you should also try to define one or two big, important “chunks”. I usually start my day writing text for 2 hours. A second big chunk would be coaching calls. What are your “big chunks”? Doing them first, you get the good feeling, that you’ve already accomplished something.

3. Certain, “immovable” things have special places.

You need to fit in certain things at specific times, e.g. appointments.

4. You need different stuff for different destinations.

It depends on the destination, what you take. If you go to the seaside, you wouldn’t take your skis on a roof rack with you, because it’s filling valuable space and you need more fuel. When you plan you need to focus on your expected outcome.

5. First time trip or routine trip?

Practice makes perfect. The more frequently you go, the more straight forward packing becomes. The more often you plan, the better you know what to do and you develop certain routines making life easier. You don’t always need to reinvent the wheel.

6. Risk taker versus playing on the safe side?

How perfect does it have to be? How much do you take with you? Do you really need all this? Two extremes to avoid: Either spending endless time packing/planning or going to the other extreme and throwing everything muddled into the boot: i.e. no planning at all.

7. Packing alone or together with your team.

If everybody knows best, you end up in chaos. Rather than having too many cooks spoiling the broth you need a set of rules how to do it so that the benefits of having many hands does make light work of the job. You get a better overview with more people, everybody knows where things are and the chances of anything being forgotten are minimal.

8. One or more cars?

What works better for you? E.g. one very long master todo-list for all or different lists for different projects or different team members? What make it easier to stay on track and keep overview? Danger or opportunity: Different cars can go in different directions. What’s your “satellite navigation” for planning?

We are often too busy for planning even if we know we should do it.

What helps you to plan your day, get it done and to make it more fun?

How do you involve your assistant / your team?

Please leave a comment. Any ideas to share?

© Jutta Nedden, Lead & Connect, 06/2014

You know that you have to criticize others from time to time,  but you also want to have a good, constructive atmosphere and work wth others in harmony. You find it difficult to criticize in a good way. All those mixed messages out there on how to get it right make you feel even more uncomfortable:

• What’s the difference between criticism and feedback, and why should you avoid criticism and give “feedback” instead?
• Why is feedback a “gift” when you actually hate to criticize?
• Using special “feedback guidelines” seems to be odd and bureaucratic. You doubt that you really need them.

You are absolutely right with your doubts and your questions are reveiling

3 Unhelpful Myths

Myth 1
There is a difference between feedback and criticism, you should avoid criticism, give feedback instead.

This is just nonsense. You also have to give negative feedback which is nothing else but criticizing. Giving positive and negative feedback are just different names for praising and criticizing.

In books, “giving and receiving feedback” has replaced criticism and praise as standard terms. Perhaps it shows more clearly the “two sides of the coin” and the necessity of also being on the receiving end, being open to criticism. Above all, it can’t mean that you should totally avoid criticism.

Myth 2
Feedback is a gift, you can “take it or leave it”.

It takes a lot to give and receive feedback. That’s where the idea of feedback as a gift comes from. Because it is so hard, you shouldn’t take it for granted and should be grateful if others are able to give and to receive feedback. You can’t force them to do it. It is like a gift you get when a feedback loop works well.

But “feedback as a gift” used in the context of “take it or leave” it and “you decide if you want to take the criticism on board and do something about it” doesn’t work. When you criticize someone you expect for example a change of behaviour, better quality or an improvement. At work, if clients give you negative feedback, you have to do something about it. Otherwise you will lose them.

Myth 3
You have to use feedback guidelines.

You don’t have to use special “feedback guidelines” at work. But it is good to know them and to be clear about what you actually want. A well-established feedback-loop is a great habit and crucial for continuous improvement and high quality. What’s your goal with having feedback? What are your expectations?

Whatever names you use and however you do it, do it and do it in a well-balanced manner: Don’t just criticize / give negative feedback, also praise/give positive feedback.

Don’t ask for feedback unless you really want it. If someone “takes the risk” and offers criticism/negative feedback, make sure that you always acknowledge their bravery. If you are a manager, don’t underestimate the imbalance of power, even if you are very good friends with your team. One or two “funny” reactions on feedback and you won’t get it any more.

Any ideas and tips you want to share? How do you give/receive feedback or criticism? What are your thoughts?

Please leave a comment.

© Jutta Nedden, Lead & Connect, 07/2013

Just imagine:

You have been working with your team in harmony for years. But one morning, you turn up at work and a bombshell is waiting for you: Two members of your team (who have been dating each other for months) split up the evening before….

Not all conflicts come out of the blue. Some build up over a longer period, e.g. endless discussions among 3 working mums every year because all of them want to take their annual leave at the same time. Some conflicts even seem to be too silly to talk about and actually you don’t know how they have started:

“Why can’t we have the windows open all the time…”
“You always take the best parking slot!”
“You don’t like my dress – well, I’ll tell you what I think about yours….”

Escalating conflicts are dangerous. They are not just a pain in your neck. They poison the atmosphere at work, are creativity killers and affect important decisions. They irritate clients and can even ruin your business in the long term, if you don’t deal with them.

Conflicts are normal, because we are all different and see the world with different eyes. You can’t prevent your business from conflicts, but you can at least try to de-escalating conflicts as soon as they show their ugly faces:

 5 things you can do

1. Don’t ignore conflicts, try to catch them early

Many small business owners make the mistake of belittling conflicts or of sweeping them under the carpet. The earlier you “catch” a conflict and de-escalate it, the better for your business. The time you need to do this is well invested. Don’t leave it entirely to the opponents to resolve it. You and your business will suffer most if they keep on going and don’t find a solution. It is one your tasks  to deal with conflicts when you work with a team.

2. Listen, don’t go for a “quick fix”

First get the whole picture before you decide what to do, even if it costs more of the precious time you actually want to invest in more constructive work. Talk to all conflicting parties and learn their view – uninterrupted and complete. Take into account that each party wants to win you over.

3. Concentrate on core issues, not on background stories or people

Get all opponents to make a list of the relevant issues and compare them from the different viewpoints of each party. Often, opponents get entangled in different perceptions on how the conflict started and tell you detailed stories about how the other party’s behaviour escalated the situation. The more escalated a conflict becomes, the more people and their behaviour in general and not specific problems are discussed.

4. Let the parties work on solutions, don’t try to “fix” it all by yourself

Don’t get tempted to suggest solutions too early in order to save time. Speak on behalf of your business (and your clients!). Clearly state what it needs in order to run smoothly and what you expect from the conflicting parties. Also make it clear that you will decide if they don’t come up with a solution.

5. Deal with loss of empathy and emotions, but don’t let them take over

Emotions are a normal part of each conflict. It is a natural reaction to “let off steam”. You need to deal with them. Some people are a “cold fish” when it comes to conflicts, others show the whole repertoire of emotions, including tears and shouting. This can be very difficult because in many cultures, showing emotions is perceived as a weakness and “taboo”. People don’t learn how to handle emotions well.

The more escalated a conflict becomes, the less the parties are also able to show empathy for each other.  You need to set clear guidelines around that: Showing and articulating emotions is important and normal (like crying and telling the other party how hurt you are). No-go’s are, for example, shouting, swearwords, all kinds of obscene gestures or even physical violence.

Bear in mind: once you are directly involved in a conflict, your objectivity will fly out of the window and the other conflicting parties perhaps will not trust in a fair handling of the situation without any impartial external help.

Please leave a comment: What are your ideas or challenges with de-escalating conflicts? What have you tried to de-escalate a conflict? Did it work? I would love to hear from you.